Falling Regrets
by soniclikethescrewdriver
Summary: Harry is overwhelmed by Sirius's death and feels utterly alone. He justs wants to end it all. What happens when he tries to do just that?
1. The Astronomy Tower

It was the beginning of Harry Potter's sixth year at Hogwarts. He had spent the first week shuffling around in a haze, not quite sure what was reality and what was dream. The death of Sirius had left him feeling empty and sent the weight of his title crashing down on him. How could he defeat Voldemort and save the wizarding world if he couldn't even save the last semblance of family he had. He supposed there was still Remus, but it just wasn't the same although he didn't know why. There were Ron and Hermione too, yet nothing could make up for the loss of Sirius. He couldn't let this happen again, he couldn't lose someone he cared about, he couldn't let anyone else die for him.

Harry swung his legs over the side of his bed and slowly sat up, reaching for his glasses off his bedside table. He carefully stood up making sure not to make a noise. He then made his way across the cold stone floor, not bothering to put on any slippers, to grab his invisibility cloak. Noiselessly, he crept down the stairs and out of the common room. His body felt heavy with sleep as he dragged his feet up countless stairs. After what seemed like ages, he had reached the top of the astronomy tower.

He stood at its edge, taking in the night sky, searching the constellations until he found it. His eyes spotted the North Star shining brightly high in the sky. They trailed down past Cassiopeia to Perseus, then drifted slightly left towards Orion and further left still to Canis major just as Hermione had shown him in the weeks right after Sirius's death. It had been one of her attempts to comfort Harry. There, shining more brightly than any of the other stars in the sky, just like the man himself, was Sirius.

Harry felt tears start to slide down his cheeks, he lowered himself to his knees, his face dropping into his hands. He cried until he had drained his body of all its moisture. This had become a habit for him. He could not, would not show his weakness in front of anyone. They were depending on him as their savior to be strong and defeat Voldemort and Harry did not want to disappoint them. The astronomy tower provided him with a private place to release his emotions. The night air gave it a slight chill that stung his exposed skin made him feel. Though he had to admit that he hadn't really felt much of anything since Sirius's death. It was like nothing else mattered.

He attempted to put his hands in his pockets, however he soon realized that he was only wearing his boxers, the cloak lying on the ground at his feet. Instead, he fiddled with the fabric at the bottom of his boxers. Fingers brushing against the raised marks that marred the otherwise smooth skin. He looked down. The pale pinks and whites that marred his thigh shone in the silvery light emanating from the moon. Straight, exact lines carved into the flesh and then promptly healed. Shivering, he reached down and grabbed the cloak, wrapping it tightly around his shoulders, feeling its plush warmth on his cold skin.

He whispered to himself, "I didn't mean for this to happen, any of this, honest. I would give anything…anything to get you back. I just want you back. This isn't fair, none of this is fair. You shouldn't have died. Why did you have to die? I wish you were here." The tears streamed down his face once more as he pleaded quietly to himself to Sirius to existence to fate to anything and everything.

The wind started to whip about a bit causing Harry to sway. He glimpsed over the edge of the tower to the welcoming ground below. The ground looked so cool and inviting. Would it be all that bad, he thought, if I just leaned a bit further? Would it feel like I was flying? Could I become one with the ground and just disappear? No more boy-who-lived, no more Voldemort, no more death? He imagined the soothing coolness of the ground enveloping him. It would be nice to simply rest. No one else would die for him.

Somewhere in the back of Harry's mind was a part of him that was unsure whether or not this was just another dream that he would be rudely awakened from. His expectations of comfort and rest to be replaced by sunlight creeping its way through the curtains and shining on his face alerting him to the cruel fact that he was still alive, still at Hogwarts, still alone. This was just another dream, he thought, as he hopefully pitched himself off the top of the astronomy tower. The wind cradled him, its gentle rocking soothing Harry. The cloak fanning out around him. His eyes closed peacefully as he made his descent. Maybe, just maybe, he would finally be free. Maybe, just maybe, it would finally work.


	2. The Next Morning

The next morning, the sun rose like it always did. Its rays making their way through the cracks in the curtains of the Gryffindor boy's dormitory room that housed Harry Potter and his friends. Ron awoke with a grunt, stretching his arms up over his head as he sat up. He rubbed his eyes blearily with his hand as he looked around the room. As he placed his feet on the cold floor, he let out a slight wince and began to look around.

There was an unusual lack of movement from Harry's bed and the curtains were still drawn shut. While Harry had certainly changed since Sirius's death, he had taken to waking up rather early so it was odd that his curtains were still closed. With a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach, he slowly drew back the curtains around Harry's bed, half expecting to see his friend writhing in his bed clutching at his scar. What he found was almost worse. To his surprise, Harry wasn't there. He checked the bathroom and the common room before making his way to the Great Hall, hoping his friend had just decided to head down a bit early.

Hermione came up beside him while he was on one of the moving staircases. She quickly noticed the absence of Harry and queried if he and Ron had gotten into another one of their arguments. They had always gotten into arguments about the oddest things, not talking for weeks, until one of them would finally cave.

"He wasn't in our dorm this morning. I dunno where he went."

"Where could he be?"

"I dunno."

"Honestly Ronald, he's your best friend, why don't you know where he is," Hermione questioned exasperatedly.

Ron's face slumped, "I just, I dunno. It's hard to keep track of him, he just keeps going off and doesn't want anyone to follow him. He won't talk to me about it… about him. I dunno what to do."

That worried Hermione; it wasn't normal for Harry to disappear this long. Yes, he would disappear from time to time, but he was usually back by now. He would go for early morning walks and be back for breakfast. Sometimes she would find him clutching the two-way mirror tightly in his hand, his eyes staring into its depths as if willing his godfather's face to appear. He hadn't been the same since Sirius.

As they made their way into the Great Hall, their eyes scanned the Gryffindor table looking for a head of messy dark hair. They spotted Ginny and Neville, but Harry was nowhere to be seen. Now they were really worried. Harry rarely missed meals, sure, there were times when he didn't eat or would spend the entire meal pushing food around his plate, but he didn't skip out entirely.

"Have either of you seen Harry," asked Hermione.

"I mean, he wasn't in the dorm when I woke up, I figured he went for some early morning flying practice," said Neville awkwardly, "he's been spending a lot more time on his broom, since, since, well you know."

"Do you think he could be in danger," worried Ginny, "this is Harry we're talking about," stressing the word Harry in her statement, "danger tends to find him and he hasn't been the same since Sirius."

"He has seemed different."

"Ron, what do you think," asked Ginny

"What do you mean, what do I think?"

"Hasn't Harry seemed, I don't know, off to you?"

"Well, sure, but Sirius just died. I mean, they were close, I guess."

"You guess? Ronald, are you really that daft?"

Ron looked down at his hands as he fiddled with his fingers. The accusations only made Ron feel worse. I should have known something was off, he thought, he's my best mate and I have no clue where he could be. I should know… He lowered his head to the table and stared down at his hand. If something should happen to Harry, it would be all my fault. Ron's thoughts were interrupted by Ginny.

"We should ask Luna, she might know where he is. She always seems to know and see things we don't."

With that, Ron, Ginny, Hermione, and Neville left the Gryffindor table to search for Luna at the Ravenclaw one. Scanning the faces around the table, looking for one that was familiar to them. They finally spotted her long, pale blond hair at the table and moved towards her with urgency.


	3. A Nagging Feeling

Harry's eyelids fluttered, the sunlight causing him to scrunch up his face. He felt chilly, so he thrust his arm out looking for his blanket so that he could curl up and go back to sleep, knowing all too well that it had all been a dream, just like always. It was a dream he wanted to get back to because it was at least better than reality, even if it wasn't really true. He groped around, but all he felt was something bumpy and cold, something that felt like stone. Hmmmmmm, that's odd, maybe I've fallen out of my bed onto the floor. It wouldn't be the first time. He stretched and moved to get back into his bed. As he opened his eyes, he realized that there was no bed and that he wasn't in his dorm at all. He was laying on the stones of the courtyard at the base of the astronomy tower. He looked around confused. This wasn't his dorm and he didn't think he was dead, so what was going on?

Furthermore, he realized that the sunshine wasn't what had woken him, but rather the whispers of the small crowd surrounding him. Well, small at least in his experience. There were a fair number of people, probably about fifteen to twenty other students. However, none of them looked familiar at least as far as he could tell without his glasses. They must have fallen off at some point, although he wasn't sure how or when. Taking in his unclear surroundings, he realized that there was a teenager crouched down in front of him, looking at him. He couldn't recognize the blurry face in front of him, but he looked to be a sixth or seventh year judging by size alone. He put out his arm, feeling around for his glasses. His fingers clenched around the metal frames at last and hastily crammed them onto his face.

"Someone get Dumbledore," he called, "and Madame Pomfrey!"

As Harry moved to sit up, the boy gently held his shoulders, keeping his back firmly against the cold stone of the courtyard. Damn, he felt sore. He felt worse than he had after his run in with the Dementors and that had been pretty rubbish. He had to get back to his dorm, he needed to talk to Ron and Hermione, he needed to-

"Oh no you don't, you're not going anywhere until Pomfrey and Dumbledore get here."

Harry squinted up at the boy addressing him. The boy had grey eyes and handsomely styled dark hair. He had high cheekbones and wore a rather displeased expression as he looked at Harry. As he studied the face, he had a nagging feeling that this face was familiar, but he couldn't place it. Once again, he moved to sit up and the boy's arms kept him on the ground. He tried to wriggle free of his grasp.

"Just stay still, you need to stop moving."

This obviously wasn't working. The kid kept trying to get up and too much movement was not going to be good. Who was this kid anyway? And what the hell was he doing sprawled out in the courtyard? The kid didn't look like someone he had seen before and judging by his size he was probably a fourth year. He definitely needed to be checked by Madame Pomfrey and would probably need to spend some time in the hospital wing. The boy looked at the kid and decided to change his approach. He needed to keep him as still as possible until a professor got here.

"I'm Regulus, what's your name?"

"Harry."

"Harry, you need to stay still. Madame Pomfrey is on her way. You've been hurt, do you remember what happened?"

"I…I…I…I don't know."

"Okay, okay, that's alright. What house are you in?"

"Gryff…gryffindor…"

Of course this kid was in his stupid brother's house. That arsehole had abandoned his own brother, leaving him to the wolves. The mark on his arm was evidence enough of that betrayal. Sirius had left him behind to go live with Potter. He hadn't been all that surprised really, Sirius had always liked Potter better than him. No, it wasn't a shock, but it had still hurt. He had thought that his brother would have offered to take him with him or at least told him that he planned on leaving.

He tried to push that to the back of his mind and studied the kid some more, trying to place him. The kid had messy black hair that fell past his ears. His glasses sat slightly askew on his nose, smudged and cracked. His eyes were a bright, emerald green, but there was something off. If he didn't know any better, he would have said that this boy was related to Potter, but Potter was an only child and this kid's eyes were a different color. He was shockingly thin, his knees knobby and his ribs looking like they were about to burst through his skin. Glancing down he realized that the kid was naked except for a pair of boxers.

Nothing seemed to make sense about this kid to Regulus. He didn't remember ever seeing him before and he bore such a striking resemblance to Potter. Why was he so skinny? Why was he only wearing boxers? Who was he? Why was he lying at the base of the astronomy tower? What happened to him? Regulus could not make sense of this and hoped that the professors would get here soon. There was a small pool of dried blood around the kid's head, and although the kid seemed fine, he was rather pale.


	4. Wrackspurts and Woe

As they reached Luna, they all tried to speak at once resulting in a jumble of words and sounds that no one could understand, or rather that no ordinary person could understand. But of course, this was Luna, so she understood them straight away.

"You don't know where Harry is?"

"Yeah, I mean no, I mean we don't know where he's gone. We can't find him," stammered Neville.

"I haven't seen him since last night. He wasn't in our room when I woke up and he wasn't down here either."

They all shared a look and gazed at Luna waiting for her to make sense of it all as if she was some divine oracle. In their eyes, she always seemed to know what was going on and had a way of knowing things that no else possibly could. They were all out of ideas and it was up to her to help them out.

"That's odd," she said as she stared dreamily into space. She fiddled with the wand she kept tucked behind her left ear.

"Well, do you know where he is?"

"Harry? No I don't know where he's gone, but he's taken to wandering the castle at night. His head is simply overrun with wrackspurts. They're invisible and they make your brain go all fuzzy. You have to think positive thoughts to rid yourself of them. The problem is, Harry can't seem to think any happy thoughts since Sirius fell through the veil."

"How do you know he's been out of bed at night?"

"Oh, well, I've seen him a couple of times. I sleepwalk at nights which is why I always sleep with my shoes on. But my shoes seem to have disappeared again recently with most of my belongings and I haven't been able to find them. Sometimes I end up sleeping on a stairwell or in one of the halls which can get a bit cold. Harry's come across me a couple of times while he was on his way to the Astronomy Tower. He didn't want me to get in trouble so he'd wake me and walk me back to my common room."

"Luna, why was Harry going to the Astronomy Tower?"

"Haven't you noticed?"

"Noticed what?"

"Harry hasn't been the same since the Department of Myster—"

"Of course we've noticed that," shouted Hermione exasperatedly. Luna face took on an expression of frustration. Her eyebrows quirked up and her mouth became drawn. A flush began to take over her pale cheeks.

"Would you listen to me! I wasn't finished talking. He hasn't been the same since he lost Sirius. I thought telling him about the voices I heard from the veil would make him feel better and reassure him that he would see Sirius again. It didn't really help him. He's too lost, it's like he's not here. I'm not surprised you guys haven't noticed, you tend to disregard thoughts you don't like even when you have all the evidence in front of you."

"What are you talking about? What evidence? He's just a little sad, that's all. He'll get over it, it's not like he doesn't have any family left, we're still here. He has us, he knows that. He wouldn't leave us like this, he can't, he just can't."

"Ron, Harry feels like he's lost everything. Sirius was like the father Harry never had. He found family in Sirius and now he's gone. His world has fallen apart. How would you feel?"

"Well…" Ron sheepishly scratched the back of his head, face flushed with shame.

"The world has put so much pressure on Harry that he's cracking and it shows. In the boniness of his frame, the bags under his eyes, his scar covered thighs."

"No, Harry would never do that to himself," interjected Ginny, her voiced laced with disbelief and sadness.

"But he did," said Luna simply.

"Why would he do that? He's faced Voldemort, he's battled Death Eaters, he's almost died many times. How could he be so stupid? How could he be so weak," Ron blurted out.

*slap*

Luna's small hand met the side of Ron's face with a satisfying smack. His hand then cradled his cheek as he looked at Luna with disbelief, completely blown away that Luna, of all people, had just hit him. Hermione looked at Luna as if she had lost her mind. Ginny and Neville were simply gob smacked. Hermione was just about to open her mouth when…

"How dare you? You say he's your best friend, how can you talk about him like that! This is exactly why he felt like he couldn't talk to you guys. You act like he's some strong, infallible superhuman. You don't let him be a person. He's not allowed to show you guys any weakness or hint of emotion. You force him to be something he's not. He's just Harry, a person no different than you or me. This doesn't make him stupid or weak, it makes him human," yelled Luna.

The entire group fell quiet as they thought about Luna said. Was it true that that was how they made Harry feel? Could they truly have been that thoughtless? How had none of them noticed something was wrong? No, noticed is the wrong word because they had noticed on some level, they just hadn't thought anything of it.

Luna recollected herself and said, "Now, I don't know where he is at the moment, but last I saw he was at the Astronomy Tower."

"Luna, why didn't you try to talk to him more?"

"Because he didn't want to talk. Sometimes people don't need someone to talk to, they just need someone to be there for them. That's what he needed, so that's what I did."

"What should we do now," asked Neville.

"I think we should check the Astronomy Tower first."

"I do hope he's okay," Ginny whispered shakily as they exited the Great Hall. She had become overwhelmed by her thoughts during this exchange. Terrible, terrible thoughts of Harry's anguish and how they had all been blind to it. She hoped that they would find him dozed off in the tower, safe. The group headed towards the Astronomy Tower with heavy hearts.


	5. Ice Mice

After what seemed like centuries to Regulus, Madame Pomfrey bustled her way through the crowd of students that had gathered on the courtyard, nudging them out of her way as she hurried toward the center. Dumbledore calmly strode behind her, adjusting his spectacles on the end of his nose. At this point, Harry was once again unconcious.

"What is going on here Regulus," Dumbledore questioned over the crowd.

"I'm not quite sure professor, I just found him like this."

Poppy let out a gasp as she saw the pale boy lying still on the courtyard next to Regulus. Dried blood surrounded his head, it was a rather dismal sight. Round, metal frames encased his closed eyes. He looked so small and malnourished, all of his bones visible through his paper skin. He looked as though he would break if touched. Someone had failed miserably to take care of this boy!

"Has he been unconscious this whole time," Poppy asked as she knelt down and put her fingers to the side of the boy's throat to feel for a pulse. She felt a small relief at the faint movement she found there. Not nearly what she would have liked, but at least it was there.

"He was awake and I spoke to him, but he started to lose consciousness a few moments before you arrived. I tried to keep him awake; it just didn't work."

"That's all right. Do you have any idea who this is, Regulus? I can't say that I have seen him around the castle before and he's definitely not one of my regulars." There was something about this boy that felt so familiar, but she had no idea why.

"I don't know Madame Pomfrey; I have never seen him before, but he does look oddly familiar and he says he's in Gryffindor. Will he be all right," Regulus asked. He was very worried about this kid…about Harry. There was a part of him that felt strangely attached to this apparent stranger, almost responsible for him.

"I'm not sure; he seems to have been through a lot, but I will do my best." Madame Pomfrey gently levitated Harry and started off towards the Hospital Wing. Regulus let out the breath that he had been holding and stood up, rubbing his hands together. As he gathered his books off the ground, Dumbledore called out to him.

"Regulus, if you would join me in my office after your first class. I find that I quite enjoy ice mice." Dumbledore seemed to glide away, making his robes billow behind him majestically. He would check in on the boy later, but for now he just needed some time to think. With that in mind, he strode up to his office, slumped down into an overstuffed chair, and took a handful of sherbet lemons from the bowl perched on his desk. However, even one of his favorite sweets were no match for his racing mind. What could all of this possibly mean? Who was that boy and how had he made it through the wards?

Regulus was left alone and confused as the crowd had dispersed after Madame Pomfrey had taken Harry. The mystery boy still weighing on his mind, he set off for his first class. Hopefully, being one of Slughorn's golden boys would allow him to slip into Potions a bit late no questions asked. Otherwise, what was the "honor" even worth? As he entered the room, he knew that it hadn't.

"Well, my boy, I've heard that you have had quite the heroic morning!"


	6. The Dead End

None of them spoke as they followed Luna up the steps to the tower for they had nothing to say. They trudged along as the cold wind whipped around them. When they got to the final steps, they froze. Sure, they wanted to find Harry, but no of them thought they could bear it if Harry was nowhere to be found when they reached the top. Luna turned around to them when she realized that they had stopped.

"Come on!"

Slowly they resumed motion until they reached the top step, they kept their eyes glued to the floor reluctant to look up. Finally, they began to raise their eyes to scan the room. Now, the Astronomy Tower is fairly open at the top so there wasn't really anywhere Harry could be hiding.

"He's not here," cried Ginny.

"Maybe he has the Invisibility Cloak and he fell asleep under it?"

They started going across the Astronomy Tower, sliding their feet across the floor to make sure they covered the entire area and called out for Harry. Luna stood in the middle wearing her Spectrespecs scanning the room. Once she finished her sweep, she knew that Harry wasn't there. He had so many wrackspurts floating around his head that she surely would have seen them. She didn't say anything to Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and Neville though because they wouldn't take her word for it even if she did. Luna waited while they covered the entire room.

"What did he even do up here? Do you know?"

"I followed him up here one time. He just sat near the edge looking up at the stars."

"Why would he be looking at the stars?"

"Honestly, Ronald, you can be so thick sometimes. You know Sirius…the brightest star in the entire sky."

"Ohhhh…that makes sense."

"Do you think he could have…fallen," asked Neville.

"We should look," Hermione stated, trying to keep her voice steady.

They all waited, but none of them moved forward to look over the edge. They looked at each other, their eyes willing someone besides them to look. Finally, one of them stepped forward. Neville glanced over the side at the stone courtyard below. It was entirely empty. He let out a breath he hadn't realized he had been holding in and stepped back.

"He's not there."

"Oh, thank god," declared Ginny.

They all breathed a sigh of relief, but they were no closer to knowing what had happened to Harry or where he could possibly be. There was one more place they could check that Harry ended up in way too frequently. They headed off towards the hospital wing.


End file.
